Naked in Public * 8

by Jessica Brookman in

NAKED IN PUBLIC - A an advice column. Kinda. A declaration of collective dysfunction of the people, by the people, and for the people.

In 2012, Chris Brown proved that Americans will pretty much buy anything regardless of what it supports. At least Rihanna is the most beautiful battered womanour country has ever seen. Right? Am I right? (Image)

In 2012, Chris Brown proved that Americans will pretty much buy anything regardless of what it supports. At least Rihanna is the most beautiful battered womanour country has ever seen. Right? Am I right? (Image)

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Hello Muffin Butterers. How are you? I am fine.

I have some thoughts for you: 

  • When a man asks if he's ever shown up on your blog, don't humor him with a gratuitous mention. 

  • But, if your date insists on kissing you on the street corner when you know your meter is running down, he pays the ticket. No questions asked.  

  • HEY. Did you fucking hear me? I said DO NOT humor him. 

  • Theoretically unrelated: The Doctor Strangelove-y glasses once were lost, but now are found. 

  • And also, NEVER buy a dude lunch. 

  • By the way, a blog tip: If the paid ad network you are using begins suggesting articles to your readers entitled "SWINGING: It happens." You are doing it right. Unfortunately, you are doing it right for a blogger in 1973.

  • Good news on that, though: You are extremely fashionably late to the orgy! #LA! 

  • Gentlemen, you cannot have your cake and eat it, too. Only, by cake I mean "pussy." And by eat, I wish I actually meant eat because making sexual euphemisms about cake seems to be working well for Rihanna. THINK ABOUT IT. 
  • On that note, there *IS* one circumstance under which a woman ABSOLUTELY DESERVES to be hit. And that occasion is by her best friend, right in the face, the moment she shows up to a party with Chris Brown.

  • To be clear, I'm going to paraphrase Dave Chappelle and/or Rick James: What did the five-fingers say to the face? [STOP FUCKING DATING CHRIS BROWN].

  • Ah! See? The Grammy's are fun and shit!

    But if you want to watch people in bands sit around and circle jerk each other, here's a tip: Just go to the Coffee Bean in Los Feliz. You don't even have to wear black tie. 

  • But that reminds me: Get dressed. We're going out.

If you want to ask me questions on tumblr instead, you can. xoxo @jessicabrookman.