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Welcome to the morning after. I'm talking about Christmas, you fucking pervert.
I'm #nakedinpublic. Here's what I think:
- Listen, if you're going to make your own bed, you should at least fuck someone in there before you're forced to lie in it. I realize that this particular scenario may or may not be implied by that saying but I thought I'd repeat it, you know, for clarity's sake.
- Actually, on second thought, you don't have time to go around making beds all over the place. You're not the maid!
- That said, if you *happen* to sleep over in the guest room of a house you used to live in, wash the sheets! Especially if you accidentally bleed on them, you savage.
- Get yourself together.
- Speaking of your ex, the best way to let them know that you're TOTALLY over them, is to get into a hot tub naked with them. It's all nonchalant and shit.
- No, seriously, get yourself together. Stop going into public dressed like a schmuck and/or someone else who doesn't give a fuck. You give a fuck. Put on an outfit. OK?!
- You never know who you'll run into. Coco Chanel said something about this. Listen to her if you don't want to listen to me. #ootd, seriously.
- The ring of fire is not synonymous with the birth canal. So, um, while Johnny Cash is always a good idea, I think you may need to rethink some of your life/decisions. Love you.
- Someday, you will stop dating writers, musicians, actors, and/or hedge fund managers but not today. No, not today.
- Speaking of that, if someone reads your social media accounts and actually knows what you're doing, where you're doing it, and who you're doing it with, you're doing it wrong. Don't you keep anything private, you heathen?!
Oh, also, Happy Holidays!